Cold Heart
by JacobIsHotAndSpiceh
Summary: Edward is in danger, and now Jacob must put aside his differences to save him for Bella's sake. Will he come out alive?
1. SO COLD

'Cold Heart'

It was a bright and happy day in the crappy town of Forks. Edward's skin was slowly burning off and he was just kind of standing there. Bella just stood by, saying 'Oh.'

They were standing in the forest in search of shade, but the tree they had always climbed was really pissed off, and had grown legs and walked away, cussing all the way. "FUCK OFF YOU BITCHES. I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU GODDAM FAIRIES CLIMBING MY DICK! PEEL OFF YOUR DAMN SKIN WITH A SPATULA!"

As they stood there, a tiny little speck appeared in the sky. Bella stared up, mumbling, 'oh.'

Jacob dropped epically from absolutely fucking nowhere. " I JUST RETURNED FROM THE SUN! HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I GOT SO HOT AND SPICEH?"

Bella said, "oh."

Edward started running around in circles. "OH MY GOOOOOOOD! MY SKIN IS ON FIIIIAAAAAH! IT IS BURSTING INTO FLAAAAAAMES! BAAAAAAW!"

"DO NOT WORRY MY DARLING SEXY EDWARD! MY HOTNESS CAN OVERPOWER EVEN THE SUN FROM WHERE I HAVE COME! I WILL SAVE YOOOUUU!" Jacob leapt onto the vampire with a boner. "I WILL SHADE YOU WITH MY LIPS!"

They started making out, stripping each other very sexually and flinging the clothes all around.

Bella just kind of said, "Oh."

"OH! JACOB! YES, THAT'S IT, JUST LIKE THAT, YOU MAKE MY COLD DICK SO HOT!"

Hearing the commotion, and Bella saying 'oh', the walking, cussing tree returned.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCHES? I WAS FORCED OUT OF MY HOUSE AND HOME BY DICKWAD FAIRIES, AND I AM NOT LETTING IT GO ANY FARTHER! I AM ABSOLUTELY SICK OF YOU MAKING OUT BY MY TREE, AND- Oh, my, those two boys…" It started nosebleeding, but regained composure quickly. "YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARDS CAN GO DIE IN A HOLE FOR ALL I CARE! I AM NOT ON TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB. GO DIE, BITCHES! DICKFUCKASSBITCH! FUCK YOU!" It held a branchy middle finger up to them and started throwing dirt.

Renesmee appeared in her creepy vampire baby form holding a machete in her tiny hands. "DAGA!" Without another word of explanation, she started chopping up the tree. Across the forest the trees shrieks were heard loud and clear across the forest. Redundant statement is redundant.

Above all of this, a starship appeared. Out of it dropped all of the Cullens, except for Rosalie, who was being a little bitch and watching from the control room, painting her nails and bitching like she always does.

Bella was angry. "Oh. _Oh. _OH! Oh. Ooooh. Ohhhh. Oh oh oh. Oh. Oh. OH."

Alice approached her in an attempt to comfort to angry Mary Sue.

"Your socks say anyday," said someone.

A few yards away, Jasper was dueling Harry Potter.

"We are rivals! You must die!" Using his freaky super speed, he dodged a very forgivable curse and smacked the boy upside the head.

Harry died.

"YES! I AM THE NEW VOLDEMORT, BITCHES! BOW TO ME!"

No one cared.

Meanwhile, Alice and Bella were making out for some reason.

Jacob and Edward were now completely naked and on top of each other.

Jasper was getting pissed off. "FUCKIN ASSHOLES! DON'T IGNORE ME! ALICE! I THOUGHT YOU LUUURVED ME! BITCH!"

Emmett patted him on the back. "It's okay lil' bro. You still have me in all my blackness. Wanna fuck now?"

"…Okay."

Esme and Carlisle stared at the scene before them. "Our children…" Esme sighed.

Carlisle suddenly changed gaining big jewelry. He began to rap. "CARLIZZLE FO SHIZZLE YO! YO MAMA IS SO FAT, WHAAAAAAT!" He included hand motions to boot.

"SHUT UP YOU DUMBASS!" Esme despised her husband at times like these. "IT'S YOUR FAULT EMMETT CAME OUT SO BLACK!" She smacked him and he returned to normal. "So, let's make more vamp babies."

They started fucking in the chopped up tree wood. The tree was still moaning, even in death, and it's moans drowned out their own.

Rosalie started painting the dashboard pink. Her family was SO stupid. "Like, oh my god. Edward is such a total fucking DICK. He can go fall in a hole and die… in a hole. And Jacob and his homosexual tendencies can go with him and they can fuck all the way down. My parents are just… EW, DAD, PUT YOUR DICK AWAY! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT! LIKE, SERIOUSLY TO THE MAX! Emmett is such a… a… BITCH! Jasper, get off my man… I mean… like, enn vee emm! They'd better start fucking already! And Bella is such a Mary Sue bitch. She can go die in a separate hole and stay there for eternity. Alice is just a slut. BITCHES. FUCKING ASSHOLES. DICKFUCKASSBITCH."

She grabbed the steering thingy and started driving the fucking starship from hell away. The name painted on the side was 'Gratuitous Swearing'.

She flew to a desert in the middle of nowhere and suddenly it exploded, dropping her unharmed in all her vampireness into the sand, where she wandered for a million years until she died. She just kind of dropped dead.

FIN.


	2. EN FRANCE

Chapter TWO!

**A/N: HA! Bet you didn't think I would continue this!**

** Oh no, I am not done! I have to write more about the HOT AND SPICEH JACOB. AAAAAAHHHH...Mmm.**

** Ow.**

** Anyways, READ IT. And, like, I would TOTALLY appreciate comments! Like, so much.**

Today we are following Jasper and Emmett in all his blackness, two months after the incident in the previous chapter.

They are hiking in France. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T THEY BE?

A crisp breeze floated through the air, rustling the trees gently and awakening little baby birds up in their branches, who chirped loudly and angrily for their mothers. In the distance, a stream- OH FUCK THIS.

Too much description. Anyways, the two irritatingly sparkling fairies with a thirst for animal blood were skipping gaily- And I mean GAILY- along a nonexistent path hand in hand.

"So, little bro!" Emmett in all his Blackness said suddenly mid-skip. "What shall we do today, my darling non-black little bro'?"

Jasper froze up, using his ridiculous and physics-defying super strength to pull his brother, who apparently believed himself to be dark as night, to a stop with him.

"Dude, you are frickin' PASTY. Why the hell do you think you're so damn black?"

For hundreds of years, Jasper had dealt with this blithering moron who thought he was a colour other than what he actually was. Now he had to say something about it, finally.

Emmett blinked. "Wait, what? Is you crazy?"

"See? That! Fuckin' hell! Have you looked in the mirror this past century? You are PALE! Figure it out, dude!"

The cogs in Emmett's brain actually had to work for once as he tried to figure this out. His jaw went slack, eyes glazing over as he stared into the distance many, many thoughts trying to enter his mind and work out what this all meant.

It went something like this:

_'Wait, what?_

_ What the fuckin' hell?_

_ Are you serious?_

_ What am I thinking about? I forgot._

_ Uh... Jasper... Something he said..._

_ Uh..._

_ What is that? Oh, it appears to be a cloud... (_At this point a stupid, slobbery smile cracked across a corner of his mouth) _Ah, it looks like a rabbit..._

_ Mm, rabbit blood. How delicious._

_ Oh, and deer blood is fantastic as well..._

_ Mmmmmm! Oh, look, my pants are bulging. I feel happy._

_ ...Huh?'_

Slowly, the life returned to him as much as it could, since he wasn't particularly ALIVE in any sense of the word. He looked to his boner, shrugged, then looked at Jasper.

"...Huh?"

Jasper facepalmed and gave the other sparkly man a good bitchslap. Apparently Jasper could give a pretty good bitchslap, because it knocked a bit of the stupid from Emmett. Not anywhere near enough of it, though. He still thought he was black.

Emmett was only more turned on by this, and started making out with Jasper before the other could get in a word of protest.

A random French man appeared and started jacking off as he watched the two have at it.

Another Frenchman appeared, and this one did that annoying 'HON HON HON' laugh they do. He stroked his twirly moustache and began jacking off as he watched the other Frenchman jack off.

More Frenchman appeared, and it got really chaotic as 'hon hon's' and manjuice filled the air, each of them staring slobbering at the man who'd appeared before them.

Emmett and Jasper were completely and totally unaware of this.

"Your socks say Thursday!" exclaimed the same Someone from the previous chapter; in fact, they are probably the most sane and normal person in this story.

Anyways, back in France, across the sea of fishy water from where Someone was, Jasper and Emmett finally broke apart, looked around, saw a bunch of moustaches and enormous penises, and were gone before you could say antidisestablishmentarian-ism- as in, it took them a REALLY long time to move away, since all the shit about them being super fast was a blatant lie.

Safely at the top of the Eiffel Tower (remember how in the last chapter Jasper killed Harry Potter and became the new Voldemort? Well, he gained the ability to apparate when this happened, and remembered that he could, in fact, do this after they had walked an entire mile in hopes of escaping the horny Frenchmen), Jasper came upon a wonderful and super amazing idea that was so incredibly cool that he couldn't even grasp it's concept in its entirety, as it burned his brain a bit and would surely disintegrate Emmett's stupid, size-of-a-proton brain, which was why he did not speak it aloud, or even let himself think of it fully. It was so great that it was better than swearing and drinking and smoking and sex- well, maybe not sex- combined. It was more epic than the sexual pear of sex. It was like the lovechild of _flocci nauci nihili pili fication _and __. The sun of epic awesomesauce shined so brightly in his mind that he wondered how he hadn't melted into a pile of epic mercury mush yet. In his mind, emus shrieked like they were on acid, which they probably were. He began to hallucinate, and saw yellow and orange and green converge into a pair of sexy high heels, which grew taller and taller until they reached the sky far above him, roaring with the fury of one thousand twenty five hundred fifty two dead worlds, shrieking on and on about womens rights and how men should all go and die in holes filled with gators and they suddenly lifted him off the ground and threw him out to space, where he flew passed the moon and killed Harry Potter all over again, which automatically teleported him to Darth Vader's porn theatre, filled with moustached Frenchmen jacking off in their squeaky seats, until they all faded into a blur of white and exploded into a huge mess that could never be cleaned, fading into the first level of Mario where Jasper promptly killed the plumber, ate his hat, and MADE THE UNIVERSE EXPLODE.

And then, the hallucination ended and he realized he'd been staring at the sky with the same expression Emmett had worn earlier.

"I CAN FLY!" Jasper yelled out suddenly, realization stretched like an exploded bag of chips across his face.

Yes- that was his whole genius idea. He could fly. He knew he could. Without pausing to think about it further, he ran to the edge of the tower and leapt off.

Emmett in all his Blackness stared out after him.

"...What?"

He genuinely had no idea of what had just occurred.

Jasper was flying. Down. Fast.

Okay, fine, he was actually falling. Hard. Straight to the ground.

By the way, it should totally be mentioned that Emmett still has his boner at this point.

Anyways, Jasper was falling. And the ground was rapidly approaching. Apparently, the vampire super speed kicked in at very inconvenient times.

Before this could happen, however, he got the very intense image of a bird flying into a window recently cleaned with Windex, and instantaneously grew wings and soared upward.

"YEEEEES! I CAN FLYYYYYYY! HA, TAKE THAT, PHYSICS! I TOLD YOU SO! I WIN! I KICK ASS! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA-"

Right in the middle of the maniacal laughter, a hunter appeared out nowhere and shot him down.

And, having turned into a bird man, Jasper was no longer immortal, and plummeted to the ground.

Nearby, a stupid American tourist was loudly singing the chorus to 'Another One Bites the Dust' in a very obnoxious and off-key voice.

Emmett in all his blackness, still, had no idea what the fuck had just happened. Instead, he returned home, too much of an idiot to remember who Jasper was, or care that his fuck buddy had just died.

Back in Forks, no one else really gave a shit either.


	3. THE PACKAGE

**A/N: Hmm, who shall I kill off this time?**

**Oh, on that note- I don't feel like killing of Renesmee. I mean, just a little vampire child. So let's just pretend it was a time warp in that first chapter and that she was never born.**

**...Damn! Then Mary S- Er, Bella's not a vampire!**

**Shit.**

**Fine then, let's just say that... Er...**

***uses epic awesome author powers to make a bottomless pit form beneath Renesmee's feet* THERE. FIX'D.**

**And she falls foreveeeeer...**

**Who the fuck names their kid Renesmee? Jeez!**

**ANYHOW, ONWARD!**

XB

Somewhere deep in the forest surrounding the Cullen's house, Bella was being stared down by stoned monkeys.

"Oh..." she whispered, feeling absolutely no emotion even though a sensible person would scared out of their minds in a situation like this.

After all, even though the Mary Sue didn't know this, the monkeys were, in fact, robot ninja pirate monkeys.

On crack.

Just like this fic!

Each and every one of these perfectly normal looking monkeys had their eyes set on Bella and only Bella.

And she just stared back, mumbling a barely audible two-letter word over and over again.

Can you guess what that word was?

Well?

'Oh', you say?

WRONG.

In fact, she was saying, 'Ah'.

...Just kidding.

And now, you're saying, 'what the fuck, just tell me what's going on!'

Aren't you?

Well, I'll tell you.

Twenty seven hundred million, five hundred and fifty six thousand, nine hundred and forty two robot pirate ninja monkeys reached into the reaches of five thousand endless dimensions and time and pulled out swords. But not just any swords, no.

These swords were robot ninja pirate monkey swords.

Forged using the finest flucinhuahenfulinin ore and refined by the best metal smiths in the known robot ninja pirate monkey universe (they come from an alternate universe of epic, you see), these swords were lighter than air in the hands of trained professional monkeys. They curve through the very fabric of space-time and can beat the world to a pulp with a single stroke.

"...Oh..." whispered Bella, in a tone that any ordinary person with a personality would have followed up with 'shit'.

Most likely, she was screwed.

XB

Meanwhile, Edward was driving in his sexy frickin car, driving way too fast, somewhere in Canada.

Why he was in Canada of all places he didn't know. He was just sort of in Canada. Probably for the same reason Jasper and Emmett had been in France- ABSOLUTELY NONE.

Canadians were taking up plenty of space on the road, and getting extremely pissed off by the whole thing.

"What are you doing, eh! You're going to crash! Eh!"

Edward the fairy completely ignored them. Not only because he was too caught up in himself and his greasy hair, but also because he couldn't even see them. At all. In fact, he was thoroughly convinced that he was completely and entirely alone on the street.

So he jammed the accelerator harder into the ground and shot forward.

"I AM SO COLD," he roared, wind attempting to make his stony cheeks flap and failing miserably.

_BAM._

Fifteen invisible Canadian cars slammed into Edward's sexy Volvo at once. The pressure launched him straight into the air, miles into the sky. Below the Canadians stared after him and shrugged.

"We told you so, eh..."

The wind became angry at such a pale, cold, sparkling fairy without wings attempting to fly through it that, deeply offended, it decided to show this freak who was boss.

So it sent him at an intensely high speed straight back to Forks, where it hit him from above, knocking him straight down in the most painful way possible through the room of the high school, where he found himself in a Biology room.

The teacher slowly turned around, staring first at the hole in her ceiling, then at Edward himself.

"Oh... Hello... I'm Ms. Domes. Tell me... Did you get the package?"

She gave him a very large smile that actually made him shudder.

"...I'll be going..." Edward began to stand up, completely unharmed by the fall.

Ms. Domes ignored him. "Well? Did you get it? It is from... Saudi Arabia... I have been waiting for it for... quite some time now..."

She released a little giggle, eyes wide and unblinking, and turned back to the blackboard, continuing a drawing of the anatomy of a baby dragon.

Edward got the hell out.

XB

Back in the forest, Bella was still staring at the millions of abnormal monkeys on crack holding swords.

Unfortunately, it was not her time to die. Such a shame.

The monkeys glared at her for a very long time, an infinitely long time. In fact, they stared her down for approximately fifteen million years, but then the world exploded. She didn't do a damn thing the entire time, so they rewound time back to right after they got their swords continued from there.

They would much rather spend their time killing someone who would actually do something more than say 'oh' as they were stabbed millions of times in the chest.

Instead, the unleashed the loudest, most horrible shriek ever heard in the history of mankind.

You thought there was a shot heard round the world? Well, that's nothing compared to twenty seven hundred million, five hundred and fifty six thousand, nine hundred and forty two robot pirate ninja monkeys on crack with swords shrieking simultaneously.

It was something of a miracle in some places. Deaf people found their hearing returned to them in an instant, and instantly knew they had it back. The problem was, they didn't know whether to be happy or upset about it, and ultimately wound up sad about it as they lost it again a moment later, eardrums destroyed for good by the unending, fatal scream.

Hitler rose from the dead and promptly died again, and any remaining Nazi zombies buried themselves in their own former brains.

The people who were considered insane and left to live in white padded rooms were finally understood, if only for a moment, to be the only ones who actually knew what the hell was going on in the world. This caused panic among political figures for a moment, but everything was returned to normal as the scream continued.

And then it was gone. And so were the monkeys. They vanished in a puff of smoke, and the last thing to vanish was their hands, millions of them, all giving humanity a huge 'Fuck You'.

Bella stared.

"...Oh."

XB

The next day, in the Cullen household, someone knocked on the door.

Carlisle and Esme were too busy fucking in the kitchen, Alice was trying to console Bella, who was convinced that she was a monkey, and Emmet was rapping in his room, so the task of opening it was left to Edward.

He pushed it open to find Ms. Domes standing there, the same insane, broad smile stretched across her face.

"Hello... Did you... Have you gotten the package yet? I am still awaiting it's arrival..."

Edward spluttered.

"Ah... Oh, here it is! Right here, in my very large handbag that I did not even know I had... Here you are, Mr. Cullen. The package, straight from Saudi Arabia... I suspect it is a camel."

Ms. Domes held it out to Edward. When he didn't accept it from her, and made no sign of planning to do so, she shoved it into his arms with another huge grin.

"Well! Enjoy the camel!" Turning away, she ran off.

Edward looked at the sloppily wrapped brown paper box in his hands. On the top corner someone had scribbled a barely legible 'Saudi Arabia'. The same handwriting appeared again in the centre, only in this instance is was completely illegible. No one except the sender would be able to tell who it was sent to.

As Edward stared, he began to notice a slight ticking noise coming from the box.

He, unlike Bella, was fortunately capable of saying more than one word.

"Oh... Shit..."

The anti-immortality bomb inside the package exploded, and another vampire fairy was gone.

Bella was too busy thinking she was a monkey to have any idea what had just happened.

Far away, Someone smiled and commented once again on socks, then started giggling madly over the death they'd inspired.

**A/N: It feels a bit early to kill off Edward, but... 'Someone' requested it.**

**So there you go, my sock-commenting friend!**

**Who do YOU think will die next? MWAHAHAHA!**


	4. USELESS

Alice had decided to start hating men.

Ever since Jasper's loss in the war against gravity and Frenchmen with guns, she had felt like something had been missing in her life all this time. For all those centuries, she'd been blind to something...

"MEN ARE FUCKING USELESS!" she screamed.

Bella nodded. "Oh."

"Shut up Mary."

She had seen the light. The light! The fucking LIGHT! And now she was going to it, and was shining brightly as she climbed back out of the holy light of despising half the population.

They were stupid, and perverted, and useless, couldn't do a damn thing, AND THEY ALL DESERVED TO DIE.

There were plenty more reasons than this, but she couldn't think of them at the moment.

Stupid men. Now that she personally was free of their terrible reign (there were only two men left in the household at this point- Emmett and Carlisle, and one of them probably didn't even count as a man, but she couldn't tell who), she was determined to free all other women from their useless attempt to be powerful! SHE WAS GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD!

"BELLA! HOW SHOULD I START?"

Bella stared at her for a long moment. "Ohhh... Oh! Oh, oh oh oh... Oh oh, oh, oh oh ohhhhh oh oh! Oh Oh oh oh oh... Ohohohohoh! Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh! Oh!"

Alice realized that this wouldn't get her anywhere. "...YOU ARE NO FUCKING HELP, DO YOU KNOW THAT BELLA? NONE WHAT SO FUCKING EVER. SCREW YOU, I'LL DO THIS MYSELF."

She tap danced downstairs, tripping over a couple stairs and falling to the first floor, her nose smashing into the wood in the process.

"BITCHFUCKASSDICK!"

XB

On the ceiling fan, Carlisle and Esme were just finishing up with their third fuck of the morning.

Seriously, what the hell else were they going to do? Millions of year to live, and absolutely NOTHING TO DO for most of it!

Alice threw a rock at them in irritation.

"Why the fuck do you have to do that in place sight? God! And mom, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT USELESS MAN! FUCKING MEN CAN GO DIE IN A HOLE, GODDAMN DICKS BITCH FUCK ASS COCK DAMNIT..." She ran her nails down the wall, enraged. Deep scratch marks appeared in her canvas, and the two adults on the fan completely ignored her.

Finally, Alice gave up and decided to just go and try to save the world.

Dancing all the way, her journey began.

XB

Now we shall switch our point of view to a different side of the world, far away from these freaks in Washington, far far away across an ocean.

A loud scream of rage was currently coming from Someone.

"YOU ARE NOT WEARING ANY SOCKS. WHAT THE FUCKDICKASSBITCH!"

"Well screw you!" Someone Else yelled back.

XB

Alice was now in a strip club, using her dance moves to please men greatly.

Of course, she was here for a reason. Not only was she proving to herself that men were even more useless, stupid, and complete ducking ficks than she previously thought, but she had a bomb in her pocket.

Just as dozens of men leaned forward, drooling, watching as she prepared to unclasp her bra, she reached into one cup and pulled out a tiny little bomb.

A tiny little bomb that packed a huge punch.

Throwing it into the crowd, she took off dancing, and was fifteen miles away before it exploded a few seconds later.

XB

"THE FIRST PART OF MY PLAN HAS BEEN PUT IN MOTION! FUCKING MEN ARE ALL SO USELESS, I HAVE BEGAN TO RID OF THE WORLD OF THOSE STUPID COMPLETE BITCHES! FINALLY! HAHAHAHAHA!"

A little man in old tattered, dirty clothing poked his head out of a box on the ground. "...Wha'? Shu'up, go 'way, hobo wanna sleep..." He moved back into his box and vanished from sight.

Alice stared at the spot where he had been a moment ago, then shrugged and started dancing again, moving swiftly up and down the street, hitting men in the back of the neck as she went, so fast that she was practically invisible. They promptly fell to the ground and died.

She stole a pocketknife from one of her victims and proceeded to bring a huge massacre upon the street.

And she danced. Her feet leapt lightly from the ground, easily, effortlessly, soaring, bouncing, twisting, bouncing, spinning, turning, each move as perfect as the last and the next.

She danced too damn much.

Down in hell, Satan was getting very pissed off about this. He hated people who wouldn't die and never stopped dancing on the damn ground. He always heard her feet tip-tapping above him, for hundreds of years, CONSTANTLY, NEVER ENDING, AND IT DROVE HIM INSANE.

So he did the totally reasonable thing: he caused an earthquake underneath her dancing feet, opening a hole directly beneath her, and she fell all the way down to hell, right in front of Satan himself.

Above, a hole opened beneath Alice's feet. It happened too fast for even her to see what was happening, and she found herself falling, falling down into the fiery pits of hell itself.

The hole closed up right after she fell, encasing her in darkness. No one else noticed anything, being too stupid, slow, and... well, everyone was DEAD, so... Yea!

She landed at the feet of the devil himself.

Alice looked at him for a long moment, then simply said, "I don't have a soul for you to steal. I traded it tap shoes fifty years ago."

Satan winced. "I know. I know. And that was a mistake... WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO DANCE TO DAMN MUCH?"

The dancer gave him a very level look. "Because I FUCKING CAN."

Satan bitch slapped her.

Alice bitch slapped him.

This brought on a very angry catfight, where Satan tried to pull Alice's hair as she yanked at his horns, slapping each other and talking trash the entire time.

"OH NO BETCH, YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE!"

"THATS RIGHT, I WENT THERE!"

"OH YEA?"

"YEA!"

I'll let you make your own guesses at who said what.

After this scuffle, the two very mangled immortal creatures stood.

They glared at each other in silent contempt for a very long time.

Satan spoke first.

"You can't leave."

"Is that so?"

"Yea. You're stuck here. In these fiery pits. For eternity. So you should get used to it."

Alice thought for a moment. "...Can I torment all the men?"

"...Sure." The devil shrugged. "Whatever. As much as you want. Have it at. But, uh... Could you keep the dancing down a bit?"

"Sure."

XB

Back up in the land of the living, no one noticed Alice's absence. If they did, they likely felt happy for her. After all, she'd probably found something more interesting to do than live forever.

And, indeed, she had.

"HAAAAHAAHAHA! DIE, YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE MEN! HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**A/N: Meh. Not really killed off, but close enough. Alice is the only semi-decent character in the whole thing. So she can just sort of... dance around and bug people. BUT SHE DANCES WAY TOO MUCH, OH MY GOD.**


End file.
